Lost in (Medical) Translation
Dr. Anjali Mediboina, MBBS

Bio: I’m a not so humerus doctor, but I do have some jokes up my (apron) sleeve 😉
Picture this: you walk into a doctor’s office with a simple complaint, and before you know it, you’re embroiled in a comedy of errors worthy of a sitcom.
Patient: How’s my son?
Doctor: He’s going to be all right.
Patient: Oh thank heavens! That’s wonderful news.
Doctor: That’s a great attitude. I gotta tell you, if I were you, I don’t know if I’d be taking it this well.
Patient: But.. you said he’s going to be alright?
Doctor: Yes, he lost his left hand, so he’s going to be… all right.
Patient:

– A scene from Arrested Development
Welcome to the world of medical language mishaps, where a slight misunderstanding can turn a routine check-up into a laugh-out-loud experience.

This happened to a friend of mine. We were in the first few weeks of the internship and started with the OBGYN department. He was told to take a patient for a cardiology referral and accompanied the patient to our cardiology professor. Now, our professor is a bit of a hurried man (I mean, you know how these cardiologists are – they’re always quick to get to the heart of the matter heh), and he always makes us interns write out the referral notes.
So, after explaining the case, our professor said “Give Assurance to the patient”. My friend immediately turned to the patient and said “em digulu padankandi amma, antha baane aypodi (don’t worry, everything will be fine)”. My professor looks at him and says “Babu, give Tablet Assurans (Sildenafil citrate).” And then asks, “Are you a new intern? I can tell.” Oops.

Another time, a friend was telling me about an instance when she was posted in the OBGY department. Not going to lie, the OBGYN department is starting to feel like a common place for mistranslations, which is surprising, considering their delivery is always perfect (wink, wink).
Anyway, this woman comes in and gives her chief complaint as “Meri chatt girr gayi (In Hindi: My roof has collapsed)“. The patient looked fine, and my friend, being confused, told the patient to visit the emergency department to get an X-ray of the head. But the patient continued to say the same thing, “Arre meri chatt girr gayi (My roof has collapsed)!”, and my friend kept telling her, “Haanji aunty, please aap emergency mein jao (haa auntyji, please go to the emergency department)”. This kept happening for a good ten minutes. Then her JR2 came and told her, people in UP call Uterine Prolapse “Chatt girna“. Local slang is local for a reason amirite?

Okay, one more. This happened to a friend of mine. So a patient walks in and asks her “Where is the Gyaani department?” Now, gyaan means knowledge in Hindi, so she assumed he was asking about the academic block. He went in the direction specified and came back after some time, and asked her co-intern directions once again. The co-intern, trying hard not to laugh, clarified, “You mean the Gynae department?” and sent him to the Gynae building, which was in the exact opposite direction.
Turns out, “GYAANI” wasn’t a wise scholar but rather the gynaecology department. Who knew her educational detour would turn into such a mix-up?

I still have some words to spend (our limit was 800 words for the article), so please enjoy this compilation of medical misunderstandings from Reddit. (Responses edited for clarity)
Doctor: Your mother had an infarction…
Child: (with wide eyes) Grandma is sick from being in a fart?!
My son, aged 7, was sent to the urologist because his foreskin was too tight, causing frequent infections. The urologist looked at the file, looked at my son quizzically, and looked at me before cautiously asking “Your son has erectile dysfunction?”
No, EDS is Ehlers Danlos Syndrome in our case.
@BriCMSN:
I had a pregnant patient ask me when she could get “tubal litigation”.
I told her she’d have to see her attorney about that… in 9 months.
A patient was cleaning his mom’s gutters and fell 15ft. I’m at CT with him and he yells out in pain. When the CT tech asks what’s hurting and he says, “My…. my…. what’s it called? My spatula!!” (he meant scapula)
“I started seeing a new doctor, and they were asking about previous medical history and asked if anything ran in the family. Without missing a beat, I replied, “No one runs in the family”. Took them several seconds to process what I had said and ended up laughing their heads off!”