A Halloween night

Imagine living with a condition that makes you feel like shit everyday, that endless exhaustion, that pain which never shows up on a single medical test report yet it continues to haunt you. Patients with psychosomatic conditions like- fibromyalgia etc., are often told that their symptoms are just in their head and others have it worse, which makes it even harder and scarier for them to live with the diagnosis. If you ever come across someone with such condition, you must remember that their pain is real, and it can be debilitating at times, although they can’t prove it, which seems like the most horrifying part at times but their pain is real and please don’t ever make them feel like it’s their fault.

The world’s out today,

Trying to scare each other and play around,

Wearing all those goofy costumes…,

And as I look outside my window pane,

all the kids playing “trick or treat”,

And my hands caressing that window pane,

Longing to be down there too..,

But I don’t think I can,

Because my body and my mind have been haunting me off,

They tricked me into believing that I can’t,

And I cant find a way to trick them back,

Happy Halloween to me, I guess,

And I think my worst fears have come true,

I feel exhausted as hell,

I don’t remember what I did to be feeling this fatigue,

My muscles seem hard as a rock and my body’s stiff as a stick,

I should see a doc, right?

Well, I already did,

After running countless tests,

They simply said, it was nothing,

In technical terms, just a psychosomatic diagnosis,

Looking at these kids,

an intense guilt keeps pricking my soul,

I have everything in the world,

Why can’t I just be cheerful like them?

I usually manage to pull myself out of this tunnel,

But I can’t see a way out right now,

Perhaps, it could be the winter blues,

further adding fuel to my inner turmoil,

I was already struggling to set my serotonin straight,

But thanks to these gloomy winds and the cold sun,

It’s been dropping even lower ever since,

Pain meds, anti-depressants and million other pills that I might have tried,

And I can’t help but think of the number of times I cried,

reminding myself of the doctor’s words consistently and the way he said,

“It’s nothing, it’s just in your head..”

I tried believing the words and tried to work despite all those ruthless symptoms,

But I failed,

It seems impossible to walk at times and yet I can’t ask for a sick leave,

Because they told me once that it was nothing..

And they told me once that maybe I was just not worthy of my dreams,

And ever since then I have been dragging my body,

I have been dragging my mind,

I know others have it worse,

But sometimes, I really wish to end this nightmare for once and for all on my own,

But how can I afford to prove them all right,

Although a part of me keeps believing that I am unworthy of living,

And I keep suppressing those screams,

perhaps, I might not be so unworthy of my dreams yet,

As I witness the monstrous flare ups making my efforts go in vain,

I choose to breathe because perhaps, there’s a purpose in this pain,

Yet this Halloween night seems really scary and can’t help those shivers running down my spine,

Thinking of what tomorrow holds for me,

Would it get worse,

Or would there be a day when I will be finally free…

You may also like...

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *